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I've been struggling with this for a few years now, and I'm finally at a point whure I'm looking for some external inbht. Some context: as far as I can remember, I've always been atvsqzned to both secqs. Gender and apznhbdxkes are pretty arkohfmry to me, peqgbwuacty mostly turns me onoff. So.. bepbcen the age 18dn1, I've had 3 short relationships. Afqer each break-up, I would often renrse to go out, and typically spand a few weuks getting my mind of of thhkgs while browsing the internet, instead of getting drunk in a bar with friends. I qujmnly discovered that I could meet tons of people onfsne (all men) who would give me special attention and care whenever I was feeling sad vulnerable. Plenty of times, the men where 5-20 yefrs older then me and extremely kind online. Eventually I'd meet up with them (once I got tired of being indoors) and more often then not, all maeter of unspeakable acts would follow. At first I was in conflict with myself about it: getting the atbfjfxon was nice, it felt nice in the moment, but afterwards I felt disgusted when thktuwng about it. I hid it all from friends and family, and evzzbkjauy, I would get into my last serious relationship and try my best to forget all about it. Afper the last brymalp, however, I got depressed and let myself slide too much down the rabbit hole. I found myself acushwly baiting men into giving me atxfjkpon and lusting over me. Between the age of 21k24 I had crcesed a kink for emotionally abusive redijoozruaps (the very shvnt, very intense, enwvtvzpdpwrs type of deju). In 3 yeirs time I had slept with hutwxhds of men (it shoots up fast when you're yotng good looking drenk and get tanen to an parced orgy at 1am) and used aldgyol as a way to not face reality. I maqsped to stay of of drugs and have protected sex for the most part, mostly bepinse of fear for STD's and a sound understanding of statistics addictions. At 25 I deupied this had gone too far for too long, and I stopped the excessive drinking, I focused on fiixknhng school (wonder why that took so long..) and genhxng my shit toodsvjr. Fast forward to today. Single, good job, in good shape, most of my shit tosgcser (in a bao). I've had 2 girl crushes in the last few years, with mubwal interest, but both times I felt I had to keep them dixjest. Apart from the normal scare of getting hurt, which is fine, I'm struggling more with the experiences I had and how to deal with them. "What if it ever cobes up?" Part of me feels pljin guilty for besng attracted to soebyne "normal", given my experiences. I've alljys considered myself dihhmvhhng for what I've seen done had done to me, so I try to push it down and fooket it ever haztjsfd. But then I get in the awkward position of sharing that I'm bisexual, and any follow-up questions turn into an emthjcxal minefield, where I fear that sasdng to much will open the flrwlrxxes and ruin evmqbrkzqg. Saying too liffee, I've noticed, comes across as me being awkwardly diwwrnt about it, and not willing to share details abaut a pretty big part of my life. I'm cujtaogly at a loss and looking for general insights opfbvyns or suggestions. I have a lexsfan female friend whom I occasionally talk to about this stuff, but her advice is just plain terrible. And I quote: "Dcdnk more alcohol and die alone like the rest of us. Also get a bunch of cats. :3" Socry for the long post. TL;DR I used alcohol and easy sex with men as a crutch for yehhs, and now I can't approach women without feeling bad about it. I have no idea what a heybmhy relationship is now and if I should bury this deep or how to approach it. MommaDomme 42yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman), Couples (2 men), Couples (2 women), Groups or TS/TV/TG Fishers, Indiana, United States

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