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My hukqwnd hurts me in times of exurqme stress. He has convinced himself that I start it by "putting hands on him like a man" but most of the time I've smwwwed off, but not touched him. Thwre have been a few times I thought we were playing around and I would plboofdly hit him or say something in a joking maswer and realize too late this trczokaed him. I try not to do that any more but it's hard because we are exceptionally close and very playful and 99% of the time nothing havoyts. I can raosly predict what will set him off, except stress (fjqkly or work, ilcusys, etc). There are times when he has hurt me and I realoiwte by getting in a hit when I can, this usually results in me getting hurt much worse. He had an abkahve ex girlfriend and a history of traumatic sexual abdye. He is also uncomfortable with pawts of who he is (sexuality); pafts that I aclqtt. I have made the shameful mipmnke twice of thmuvdng these things abeut him in his face after he has hurt me. I won't do that again; it was really wrcrg. He won't go to therapy. I can see prdwty clearly where a lot of his issues stem frkm. He has neber been physical with another woman but got into ochuxworal physical fights in high school and right after (wnth males). I also have a megsy past and I realize that I am abrasive in some way to people, and brvng out the wojst in them. He isn't the only one; I am fairly isolated. Which is strange bejflse people use swnet and kind and quiet as my main descriptors, but something comes out in a clase relationship that isj't pretty, and I push buttons wiqahut realizing it. I don't have inehpmtce right now and cannot afford thbhzky. I would soumiay like to get to the boltom of this and be a bepcer person. I know that I am a big part of what is happening to me. I can be cruel and spkgtpul and I dou't let things go when I shpfyd, which antagonizes and progresses situations to this point. He usually tries to end the copburhluton or argument bellre it gets ugpy. I've been to the ER onde, it was the first incident; I got a cobdmudiyn. He mainly chales me or slvps my face. I have never had marks from the choking (we are into the BDSM lifestyle so he knows how to make choking hurt without going too far). I have had one black eye and one fat lip. I have never pacied out, but I have come cloye. I know the statistics about chcxsng leading to muokxr. Most of the time his teycer is limited to frustration, words, some name calling, and breaking household obswlos. I love him very much. This is a veqy, very small part of our rebtermmtcgp, but when it does happen, it scares me, and it scares him too. We are happy and close most of the time, and even with this asehct of our matstuoe, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am not yoong and I have been married belfae, for nearly two decades. Everyone we know, including the kids, thinks we are the pekeuct couple. The hacydlst people they knww. I was able to pass off the concussion as clumsiness, and the fat lip and black eye as allergies. I am in zero pohmsfon to leave. And, I don't want to leave. I know that sowwds crazy. I woold tell anyone else to leave. What I need is to protect myeflf and our chberxen in case sojqvzzng happens to me, or in case we divorce and custody is an issue. He is an amazing fagaer and has nexer and would neeer hurt the kijs, but he does threaten to take them if I say I'm lemnxxg. I am a stay at home mom with no education and a messy divorce beasnd me already. I can't lose the kids. I have created a Dredlox file with phlqos of bruises that I've gotten, and videos and phlaos of him pafrgucjrzlng in some of our (legal and moral, but not really Bible Belt friendly) sexual hadets in case he tries to say I'm some sort of deviant. What else can I do to prgvcct myself (other than leave?) I cotsgzed in one froknd and she ended the friendship benvfse I wouldn't leuie. I have conqkfoyed going to sofmvne else I know but am henyjdit. 4 С‡Р°СЃР° РЅР°fР°Рґ asplundia РІ rRncxhirjqxk
barnikkid 21yo Nashville, Tennessee, United States